I have started writing Matthew's legacy so many times & can not find the right words for my dear son. I feel so proud & honored to have such a special person as Matthew to be able to call my son. I never imagined that he would be taken away so soon. My life stopped on December 1/03. It will never be the same again. My pain & heartache will stay with me until I can join my Matthew in heaven.There is so much more that I need & want to say about my Matthew, but I need to do it in time. All the pain & unanswered questions make life so very very difficult to do so at this time. I will have to come back to Matthew's legacy to add more about all of the unanswered questions that the Canadian navy/military has left me with. Such as his last morning. We were given 2 stories on that & they were never cleared up. Twice they have changed their minds about his movements that morning of December 1st from 7 am to 11 am. I have promised my Matthew that this is not over yet.
Matthew was and still is such a special, kind & thoughtful son. He was so clever, but he couldn't see it. He learnt how to play the saxaphone & electric guitar without having had any lessons. He was a natural in martial arts. When grade 12 classes cancelled Japenese language, he taught himself from the internet. He loved all animals. Many times I would witness Matthew giving his last $5 or $10 to a homeless person. He could not undertand why the world had to be such a cold cruel place at times.
Matthew had wanted to be a monk but his life's journey changed and he joined the Canadian navy in October 2002. He seemed quite happy with that decision
and was doing very well with his course. Sadly, something changed on December 1/03 & Matthew took his life. I will never know why and maybe it is not for me to know.But did he? I don't know what to think. Matthew was 3,200 miles away in the navy. Why were his Dad & I given conflicting stories as to Matthew's movements that morning? Why did they have to clean out Matthew's barrack room so fast when they knew that his Dad was on his way to BC. From what we were told nothing is touched or packed up until the next of kin see's it. As it was we didn't get Matthew's personal items back until the end of January 04. So in my heart I know don't know what Matthew had or didn't have in his room. Why were we told that Matthew had not left a note? But the coroner said that yes there was a note left. Why? To this day we have never seen the note? Maybe an oversight on the investigators role? Then why not get the note to have shown Matthew's Dad. We couldn't even confirm that Matthew did indeed write the note. My son was willing to serve his country so if he left a note for his parents, then why wasn't his last wish fulfilled? I will never forgive the people responsible for the way they handled Matthew's case.But after having said that, I am working on it. To try my best to forgive as Matthew would want me to. He was & is a better person than I could ever hope to be. I just have been feeling the strong need out of my love & care for Matthew to tell his story. 
 How many other military families who have lost loved ones don't even know about a note that may have been left? If the coroner hadn't told us, would we have even known? I have made a promise to my Matthew that this is not over yet. I will get answers.

 I only know that not a minute goes by that I don't think of Matthew & remember him. Hearing him laughing while he watched the Simpsons, playing his guitar, being able to ask him what he wanted on his pizza. I miss hearing him call out "Mom". Matthew and I had our ups and down through his teen years, but thankfully we always sorted out our differences.
I give all the credit to Matthew for giving me courage to carry on & keep his memory alive. It has been Matthew that has given me the strength to carry on.
I MISS and LOVE you so much Matthew. Each day that goes by takes me a day closer to you. You will never ever be forgotten. I am blessed to be your Mom. Thank you for the 21 years, 2 months and 2 days on this earth. Someday we will be together forever. If only you could have seen what a great person you were on this side. I feel that I failed you.
I also want to extend my caring thoughts to others who are sharing the same pain & walking this difficult journey. You are all in my heart.
Loving care and our candy cane hugs, your Mom always XXXXOOOO
Matthew, Hebrew meaning, Gift of the Lord. Matthew was my gift on September 29/1982 & will be my gift forever. I bought this poem for Matthew when he was 2 years old. Little did I know that it would be on Matthew's funeral cards & read at his funeral.
SON, My Dear Special Matthew                                      
The day you were born,
Was a day of much joy.
The joy of a birth,
The birth of a boy.

Since that day long ago,
When you were so small,
You've found independence
And You've grown so tall.

Your growth has been more
Than just in your size.
You've grown in life's ways,
You're a man in my eyes.

You're a man of the world,
A very special one.
You are a source of great joy,
I love you, my son. Author Unknown